We left off on the news that we had found out we were carrying twins, and then within the same small amount of time that joy was ripped away.
I had so many questions in my head, why? how is it even possibly to miscarry one and not the other. In my mind, as it is in probably lots of peoples minds a miscarriage is when you loose everything, not just part of what you are creating. I believe that was my hardest struggle.
With all of this going on in my mind, we went home and continued with normality that the pregnancy was and hopefully would continuing, I continued to have morning sickness – something I have not really suffered this bad with before, with William I had it very mild no actual sickness or wrenching over a toilet! Whereas this time I did, nearly everyday for two months, it’s only since about week 14 that it has completely stopped, although I still get slight motion sickness which I don’t think will be leaving any time soon. All the time though I kept thinking something would happen to this baby, even with my pregnancy symptoms becoming stronger, tender breasts – which i’ll ask do tender breasts get worse with each pregnancy!? Because this time around I already feel like I have engorged breasts!
2 weeks passed since we had our news, and everything had stopped, we had our first midwife appointment which went really well, and then it happened all over again the spotting started, however this time it was just spotting, nothing too alarming. With all the previous problems I did get sent for a second early pregnancy scan at the same EPU (Early pregnancy unit) which again I had to attend alone, while my partner waited with our two gorgeous boys.
This time, the news was brilliant, baby was just fine. Not only fine but had jumped ahead a whole week so I measured just shy of 8 weeks! It seemed after loosing the other baby this one had thrived which of course left me somewhat sad, but relieved. Then it hit me, the other baby, the other sac? Was it still their, was it now all gone. That little reminder that through out this whole pregnancy we would know it had been their. This time though their was just a small hemorrhage. Which was described to me as a clot or internal bruise, it would either be absorbed into my body or I would experience more spotting. I also didn’t need to worry as the clot wasn’t big enough for them to have concerns over need to remove it or it being a threat to our surviving baby.
I left the room with such a happy, rested mind. We had a picture of a real baby, not just a little bean shape, it had a nose, and limps already. It gave some closure also to see that everything was healing from the baby we lost. Things are getting better, their is always a light at the end of each dark path we must all someday walk, each path may be different but they define who we are, and will be. They make us stronger, and braver. Even though at the time you may feel you are not.
I will note that in my mind, just like my previous miscarriage their is no reason why it happens, it’s not something you have done, or something you could have done better, perhaps done less, sat down more. “It’s just one of those things”, it is nature, it is life. With life their comes a loss, with loss their is life. That is what I believe. I also believe that these things also happen for a reason, that the baby was not 100% healthy, or that their was something wrong. Some people may find what are my beliefs to be of no comfort to them at all, but too me they are the biggest comfort of all. I may still question why I couldn’t carry both of our babies, like my mom was able, but I am carrying a child, which to many many women out in the world, it is all they long to be able to do. For which I am forever grateful.
See you in part 3 of my first trimester story.